If you're like me, you grew up doing as much as you could for other people and before you knew it, there was nothing left of you - for you!  My family lived on a farm where the work was never "done".  You just quit working when you get to a good stopping point for meals & sleep.  While this developed a good work ethic in me, it also developed a lack of self-awareness of when I'm actually hitting my mental and physical wall.    It also nutured a warped opinion of what selfishness is.

Selfishness was a dirty word in my family.  Because both of my parents grew up in very large families, majority always ruled and individuals had to adjust for what was best for the whole family.  Since I was the only girl among 5 brothers, I learned early to just adjust to what was best for the majority - and gues who was never in the majority!

FINALLY, I've decided that I need to learn to be a little bit selfish for my own survival.  I'm not tallking about being Nellie Owens (Little House on the Prarie).  I'm talking about paying attention to yourself and getting to know what you want and need in life.    If you don't know what you want and need, no one else will either.  How are you going to find that perfect man for you if you keep picking men that are totally wrong for you?  Believe me, I've learned this the hard way.    With my early "training" in supressing my own needs, finding men that are willing to take, take, take and never give anything back to me seems to be one of my best skills!

It's ok to be a little bit selfish.  In fact, I highly recommend it.  I've learned that I don't have to be the one to bring the prettiest cookies to the party. I've discovered that the world won't end if I take the time to actually polish my nails before that party.  And guess what, Christmas WILL happen, even if you only make 1 pan of fudge instead of 3!  Take the time to take care of yourself this holiday season - and all year long.  If you don't know what you need to do to take care of yourself, make it a goal to figure that out over the next few weeks.  It's ok - be a little selfish!

Well, it came and went....my 50th birthday was yesterday and I'm still here to tell about it!  My actual birthday was pretty good, but boy the week leading up to it was an emotional roller coaster for me. 

With all the hype about turning 50, I let myself start reflecting on what was missing from my life and worrying that I'd never have a truly wonderful relationship in my life.  For a couple of days, I barely kept back the tears and and dreaded black Friday (otherwise known as Dec. 19th!).  Then on Thursday morning, I heard a remarkable thing about birthdays.  Your birthday is just another day on the calendar and you should be glad you have it!  Being I lost a brother days before his 33rd birthday, I realized I SHOULD be glad I'm having my 50th because he never got the chance.  And like it or not, the only way out of having those birthdays is not something I'm really ready for yet!

Before hearing that profound thought, I had already decided that I was going to enjoy the funck I was in & then get on with life.  For me, trying to stifle my feelings only makes me an emotional wreck until I let myself acknowledge those feelings, feel the pain and then move on.  It's kind of like the grieving period on a much smaller level.  It seems to be the way that I deal with my emotions in a healthy way that works for me.  Growing up with a mom that always told me I "shouldn't" feel the way that I do, acknowleging my feelings (not just ignoring them) is important to my emotional health.  So I let myself feel down & discouraged & unloved & hopeless - for an hour or two.  If I'm really having a hard time, I may even give myself half a day!  Letting myself process my feelings - realistic or not - is a way for me to deal with them.  Once acknowledged and processed, hope seems to magically appear and possibilities come creeping in my mind.

So go ahead and enjoy the funck you're in - for a short time.  Figure out what it takes for you to get over it and go on with your life.  For a lot of people, being alone makes it worse and they need to force themselves to go out with friends or family.  For some of us (like me) we're better off going home, shutting the door and dealing with ourselves so we can emerge into the world again as a normal person!  The way I deal with it may not be right for you.  Take the time to figure out what works for you.  You're definately worth it!